Who am I?

Who am I?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot recently. I’m always changing but more often than not I don’t even recognize the change until after it’s very much under way.

I went to the grocery store during my lunch break today to get some extra strength Tylenol for my knee and some ant traps. For some reason by the time I entered the store I was just in a rotten downtrodden mood. I browsed through the junk food aisles just debating on what I could shove in my mouth. At one point I specifically remember holding a tray of boneless BBQ buffalo wings thinking to myself, “I can go back to work and heat these up and then have that frozen meal I brought….”That thought jerked me back to reality promptly and I practically threw the package back on the shelf.

I spend so much time thinking about food and my next meal, so much time trying to plan it out and execute these carefully drawn out plans just right. I realize that this might not be a great idea but it’s what keeps me accountable. It’s what I need to be successful. I hate having to be so careful, but right now I’m not trying to maintain, I’m trying to lose. I’m trying to be successful. I’m trying to fit into those single digit jeans, and run really fast, and not be so insecure about myself.

Another big change I’m noticing is that I’ve gone from doing nothing to being super busy. While there are times in which I could cancel my plans I remember just how boring it was not doing anything at all. I would come home and be alone and not have plans with anyone. So then I would spend hours on the couch just eating a lot. It was horribly depressing and humiliating—not having friends to do stuff with.

Now I’m out geocaching with Kate, grabbing drinks with Leslie, playing soccer at Fort Wayne Metals, hosting Bible studies…the list goes on and on. Usually I find myself walking through the door around 9 or 10 still in need of a shower from that day’s workout. So while I am super exhausted today from my 5 miler yesterday and super late Bible study, I am grateful for my amazing friends who have put up with my moody, clingy self. If they were reading this I would tell them that they have changed my life completely from what it was a month ago.

In addition to the constantly being busy and not having enough time for everything in a day, I’ve come to realize that while I wish I had a guy to hug and hold hands and be clingy with, I am so very glad I don’t have one at the same time. If I was in a relationship my time would be dedicated to that person 90% of the time. I remember when I was in love with Craig, when all I ever wanted to do was be with him. At the time I could honestly care less about hanging out with other people if he wasn’t there. Well look where that left me. Completely alone and humiliated for ~6 months (what a great lesson God! I’ll remember this one for future purposes). While I wouldn’t mind getting married right out of college I know that I am so busy living life to the fullest that boyfriends and marriage cannot be a priority at this time. If I spend my time day dreaming about Prince Charming I will wake up and college will be over and all this time with these great friends will be difficult to have. Some are already getting marries, some are seeing people, but some are living the single life to the fullest (IE: Craig & Ankit). That’s where I am, and I am so happy to finally be there. I know if I need a great hug I can just go see Ankit, if I need honesty Leslie always holds true (such a great roommate!), when I need to get out and explore and just be a girl Kate’s there, if I need Spiritual reassurance Jayla has a great heart. When I’m in a true bind and need help Craig is there, heck, he’s even brave enough to watch my psycho cat! I just have so much life to live with these people before we all get too busy.

So here I am. Completely different (yet again) from who I was a month ago. There’s no giant stone on my heart, nothing pulling me down. I’m right where God wants me to be && that’s all I want. J