Best Birthday Gift

Keurig

2011-07-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!!!

Kenlie over at http://www.alltheweigh.com/ is giving away a FREE Keurig!

I don't think I need to tell you what to do.

Besides the fact that you should be reading her awesome-tastic blog!!

[Insert Witty Title Here]

2011-07-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'allllll!

I can't believe I have less than a month until I start my senior year of college! SENIOR YEAR! Ahhhhh!! So many things are different. So many things have changed. One big difference that has been nagging on me lately is the fact that in my senior year I will not be playing soccer.

That's a big deal for me. If you knew me from real-life at all you'd know that I don't give up. Especially when it comes to sports. In high school once I was in a sport, I stayed with it. This year though, I've re-evaluated my prioities. By not playing soccer:

I have less chance of injuring myself [concussions, pulled muscles, knee problesm....]

Can focus on training for my Half coming up

Can focus on my last major classes!!!!

Can anyone say senior project?

Less girl-drama!

More time to spend in Bible studies :)

It still is weird. I've been so used to being here early for pre-season and doing the 3-a-day practices and just being part of a team. It will be hard to watch some of my friends as they go through the season but I will be sure to come out and cheer them on.

Soo lets see...ohh yes. L and I are moving into the Canterbury apartments [approval pendig]. I signed my 30 day notice last week. Super stoked to be having this amazing chance to be somewhere where a lot of friends will be. Also to have swimming pools! AND MY OWN WASHER/DRYER! Yeah baby! There will be more to come on that later. Right now it's just lots of paperwork and painting. The painting is a painnnnnn but I gotta get it done now.

That's all I got for now folks! Until later!~

Time flies....

2011-07-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

when you're transitioning from one job to another.

The company I had an internship closed it's doors on Friday of last week. This was a big deal for me because I absolutely loved being there. It was ideally where I wanted to start out working once I graduated college in May '12. However, God's got bigger plans for me! I've been working at my other job pretty full time this week so I definitely am thankful. After working full time for most of my summer I'm not sure what I'd do with so much spare time (or how I'd pay for rent)! Anywho...there is a prospective place for me to work 20 minutes away from my apartment as a co-op/intern. Keeping my fingers crossed that this will work out.

Ohh yeah.

Today I weighed in at 161.2. Pretty good loss. I'm figuring that last week was just a fluke on the weigh in day, maybe from too much sodium??? Anyway I'm trying to make progress but we'll see what happens.

I've been following my training very well this week, although I have had to run inside due to the ridiculous heat wave. I am trying not to complain because I know that in a matter of months I will be freezing and wishing it were this warm! My knees ache today so I am pretty content that today is a weight lifting day only. Let's see how that goes, shall we???

My eating definitely has not been super stellar. It is while I am at work and such, but come dinner+ time I just eat lots and lots of junk. I believe it comes down to self control, which I obviously lack much of. Does anyone else have a hard time with control after work?

Today my roommate and I are gunna start our apartment search. I'm really hoping Canterbury is it for us, but we'll see. If they have a washer/dryer in unit I will be ecstatic! I hate having to do laundry in an expenssive community landry room. It's dirty, expensive, and definitely shady. Anyway...I'll let you know how day 1 goes! Until then, I am off!

Another Weigh

2011-07-13T11:23:00.001-07:00

165 pounds

I put on 4 pounds in under a week. That’s so humiliating. I’ve known that what I’m eating has been garbage and I’ve been eating lots of it. I’ve known and I haven’t cared. I can pinpoint some of the times in which my eating was bad because I let my emotions rule, but other times I just ate. For no reason. I just didn’t care. Has anyone else had this problem? Why is it? I also notice that I tend to overeat when I am in physical pain. My knees hurt from the years of being overweight, kneecaps wearing away at cartilage, and just from running so whenever a strong weather front comes in it makes them hurt really bad to the point that Tylenol or ibuprofen doesn’t even help.

I did buy some fixings for a salad so I went ahead and prepared a big mix and have had that for lunch the past two days. I was at the grocery store when I was on my lunch break and happen to find miso soup! It’s instant so we’ll see how it tastes, hopefully almost as good as the real deal. I could eat miso soup all the time, plus I heard it’s really helpful in weight loss because it’s so low calorie but very filling. That might be why I lost weight last week when we went out to eat a lot. I had lots of miso soup.

So today after I get off of work I am heading over to the school to work out. I have to make up for my easy 2 miler I didn’t do yesterday (oops!) plus my lifting and core workout. I haven’t been real strong about the lifting, and definitely not enough when it comes to the core. I need to work a lot more on both.

Life is just so busy lately. I tell myself that I will not do anything for one evening each week and end up over-filling the week. It’s awesome because I know that once school starts back up I will be super busy with school, it’s just pretty exhausting is all. I need to get to bed earlier at night but I let myself get hooked on facebook. So I think for the rest of the week I am gunna cut myself off at 9 (if I’m even home).

Tonight I’m going with my Wednesday night Bible study group to Science Central because it’s only $0.95 for admission. Call me crazy, but I just love the kids stuff! I can’t wait to go to the zoo as well.

Alrighty…well that’s enough rambling for now. I’ll get back to it all later.

Ch-ch-changesssss

2011-07-11T10:48:00.001-07:00

Ahhh sorry! It’s been quite a while since my last post. Things here are just crazy stressful and busy.

Letssss see….. Oh yeah!

I weighed in on Friday I believe (or maybe it was Thursday) and I was back down to 160.9. I was pretty much ecstatic about that because every day that week I ate out for lunch (and even once for dinner) because our engineer was leaving for a new job on Friday. I made lots of healthy decisions and also got a lot of exercise in.

Unfortunately I’ve let myself succumb to the weekend. I ate very poorly all weekend and didn’t even care one bit. What is wrong with me???!

On a positive note, I ran a 5K race on Saturday. It was short notice and I was sure I’d do terrible because my knees were hurting SO BAD on Friday that I didn’t even run at all. However…I ran a 29:30!!! And that includes a couple walking breaks!! I feel that the race was a major success. I can’t wait for another one J

This week is going to be my last week at work. We will be shutting our doors on Friday. It’s heartbreaking and right now I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it, but I’ve asked some friends if we could do some stuff that day so I won’t have to be alone.

That’s all the time I’ve got for now folks but I’ll do my best to stop in tomorrow!

Who am I?

2011-06-30T12:36:00.001-07:00

Who am I?

I’ve struggled with this question a lot recently. I’m always changing but more often than not I don’t even recognize the change until after it’s very much under way.

I went to the grocery store during my lunch break today to get some extra strength Tylenol for my knee and some ant traps. For some reason by the time I entered the store I was just in a rotten downtrodden mood. I browsed through the junk food aisles just debating on what I could shove in my mouth. At one point I specifically remember holding a tray of boneless BBQ buffalo wings thinking to myself, “I can go back to work and heat these up and then have that frozen meal I brought….”That thought jerked me back to reality promptly and I practically threw the package back on the shelf.

I spend so much time thinking about food and my next meal, so much time trying to plan it out and execute these carefully drawn out plans just right. I realize that this might not be a great idea but it’s what keeps me accountable. It’s what I need to be successful. I hate having to be so careful, but right now I’m not trying to maintain, I’m trying to lose. I’m trying to be successful. I’m trying to fit into those single digit jeans, and run really fast, and not be so insecure about myself.

Another big change I’m noticing is that I’ve gone from doing nothing to being super busy. While there are times in which I could cancel my plans I remember just how boring it was not doing anything at all. I would come home and be alone and not have plans with anyone. So then I would spend hours on the couch just eating a lot. It was horribly depressing and humiliating—not having friends to do stuff with.

Now I’m out geocaching with Kate, grabbing drinks with Leslie, playing soccer at Fort Wayne Metals, hosting Bible studies…the list goes on and on. Usually I find myself walking through the door around 9 or 10 still in need of a shower from that day’s workout. So while I am super exhausted today from my 5 miler yesterday and super late Bible study, I am grateful for my amazing friends who have put up with my moody, clingy self. If they were reading this I would tell them that they have changed my life completely from what it was a month ago.

In addition to the constantly being busy and not having enough time for everything in a day, I’ve come to realize that while I wish I had a guy to hug and hold hands and be clingy with, I am so very glad I don’t have one at the same time. If I was in a relationship my time would be dedicated to that person 90% of the time. I remember when I was in love with Craig, when all I ever wanted to do was be with him. At the time I could honestly care less about hanging out with other people if he wasn’t there. Well look where that left me. Completely alone and humiliated for ~6 months (what a great lesson God! I’ll remember this one for future purposes). While I wouldn’t mind getting married right out of college I know that I am so busy living life to the fullest that boyfriends and marriage cannot be a priority at this time. If I spend my time day dreaming about Prince Charming I will wake up and college will be over and all this time with these great friends will be difficult to have. Some are already getting marries, some are seeing people, but some are living the single life to the fullest (IE: Craig & Ankit). That’s where I am, and I am so happy to finally be there. I know if I need a great hug I can just go see Ankit, if I need honesty Leslie always holds true (such a great roommate!), when I need to get out and explore and just be a girl Kate’s there, if I need Spiritual reassurance Jayla has a great heart. When I’m in a true bind and need help Craig is there, heck, he’s even brave enough to watch my psycho cat! I just have so much life to live with these people before we all get too busy.

So here I am. Completely different (yet again) from who I was a month ago. There’s no giant stone on my heart, nothing pulling me down. I’m right where God wants me to be && that’s all I want. J

Weigh In

2011-06-29T05:33:00.001-07:00

Errrr…..

162.7.

Really??! I was under my calorie goal yesterday!

I’m so frustrated. Last year I lost 2 pounds almost every week. I was even just walking, not even running. And now I’m struggling with the same 5 stinking pounds for the last 6 months. It is very defeating, very aggravating. I feel like I’m never going to lose this weight anymore. I’m still 30-35 pounds from being within my “healthy” weight of 125 pounds. At 160 this body is limited on what it can do. And I still feel so big it’s hard to look at myself in the mirror some days. Why can’t I exercise more self-discipline? Why can’t I get control and do everything right???

My roommate thinks she needs to lose 10 pounds. This girl is really fit and very skinny. When she said that I just shook my head. “You look amazing, there’s no need to lose any weight.” I told her in my head. I think that this was kind of a wakeup call to me. Even “skinny” people can be conscientious about their weight. Maybe she isn’t one of those skinny people that can eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound. Maybe she works hard to keep herself looking good. I definitely need to do that. It just feels like there’s no support system in place for me. I feel awkward bringing up anything about weight and weight-loss with the roomie because I feel so big compared to her. It’s kinda awkward to go out with her because I definitely feel like the ugly fat chick next to her.

If there’s anyone out there that’s reading this, what do you do when you feel this way? Where do you go for help?

Geocaching!!

2011-06-22T12:50:00.001-07:00

Hmm… Lets see….

Oh yeah! I weighed myself this morning. 159.6! I feel pretty good about that considering my binge weekend. That means I lost 1.3 pounds since my last weigh-in. I feel like I’m struggling today even though I’ve still got 770 calories left for the day && I still have to run.

Yesterday I went out with the intentions of running 3 easy miles. Butttttt it was 90+ degrees with 80+% humidity. It was a pretty half-attempted run. Lots of walking. Today I am going to do the same 3 miles, but this time I am going to do the 1.5005 with 1 minute walking, 30 seconds jogging, 30 seconds sprinting. The last 1.5005 will be 30 seconds walking, 1 minute jogging, 30 seconds sprinting. I’m excited to see how this works out. I’m trying to get a good amount of sprint work in before my race on Saturday. That andddddd I’ll soon be into my training plan for the half marathon.

After that I had small group Bible study with some friends…and Craig. It was not as good as the last session but hopefully next time it will be better. I think we just need to get into some studies that we as recent graduates/college seniors can really relate to.

Following Bible study I dashed out with Kate to go geocaching for a while and try out my awesome GPS. It was lots of fun! Even though it was kinda stormy. I’m pretty hooked on geocaching now. If you haven’t tried it get out and try it NOW! I mean right now! It’s actually a great family activity too. There’s a lot of walking involved depending on where you go, and I’m sure the kids would love to find the ones with little treasures in them.

So since our regular Wednesday night Bible study is cancelled a bunch of us are getting together to go geocaching! I’m really excited because most of these people haven’t been before. I’m really hoping a number of people bring GPS’s/Smart phones so we aren’t all huddled around 2. Either way I’m sure we’ll all find some way to have fun. Afterwards we are going to grab a bite to eat somewhere……if only we knew for sure where we’d go.

Anyway…. I guess that’s all for now!

2 day blogging streak!

2011-06-21T10:23:00.001-07:00

I’m back! Two days in a row guys!! J I’m pretty darn happy about that fact. I just wanted to give a general re-cap of my day yesterday and fill everyone in (if there is an ‘everyone’ that is) on what’s going on.

Yesterday I:

· Worked at my first job

· Worked at my second job

· Went for a 2 mile run

· Went home and got the roomie

· Went for dinner/drink at Peanuts

· Went to a friends for one drink

· Came home, prepared for today

· Did a little reading

· Bed time!!

It was a time crunch kind of day, but definitely a good one. After the crap with Craig I decided I was done with being treated so horribly. So I wrote a long note and emailed it to him, telling him just how I’ve felt and how much his “new self” had hurt me. Thankfully my roommate and a couple of friends read it and agreed that I was in the right to send it, having known both Craig and myself. I’m trying not to think of him, trying not to think of having to see him today, and for the most part I’m doing okay.

Just spending time with other people, and most importantly, other friends, ones who care about me and value our friendship, has been huge. I’m confident that God made everything work out just right and allowed me to see who is really there for me when times get tough. It just felt really good to be with all of these people and have all of this support.

Yesterdays run was okay. I thought I was flying actually, until I got to the end and realized that according to the time I was actually running 2 miles, not 3. And my average time was a 10:00 min/mil. I could have gone for the extra mile but I knew I was limited on time, and that was okay for yesterday. Today after work(s) I am hitting the roads for a 3 mile run with my roomie. I’m super nervous because I know she is in way better shape than me so I will be huffin’ and puffin’ while she will be absolutely fine. That’s okay though—hopefully her pace will push me to do better. After all,, I do have another 5K coming up this Saturday.

In addition, my eating was alright. I think I could have done better, but I definitely didn’t go over my 1500 mark. I find it very hard to stay under this number without the help of exercise to give me a little extra room. Today I am doing great though! For lunch I didn’t make time to pack a lunch so I ran out to McDonald’s and got the Bacon Ranch Salad, only with a few minor alterations:

· No cheese

· No bacon

· No tomatoes

· Grilled Chicken

· Balsamic Vinagarette

All of this was only 200 calories! Of course, it being a salad and all. Most of the calories come from the grilled chicken. I love salads with chicken, YUMMMMY!

So I’m not sure what I’m going to make tonight—I don’t have any thawed meat and all we have are veggies in the fridge. It’s been like this a lot lately, which is why I need more protein!! I can definitely feel the fact that I’m not getting enough. What do all you busy people do?

And on a final note before I jet: I will be registering for the Fort 4 Fitness Half on Thursday!!!!!!! I am so excited to be registered, and I will be super scared as well. Our training plan doesn’t begin until July 4^th, but the mileage seems pretty low. It starts out at 12 mi/wk and the highest it gets is 23. What do you guys think about that? Have you followed a training plan before? If so, what plan did you use?

And on that note, I say goodbye!

Crap-tastic Weekend

2011-06-20T05:45:00.001-07:00

What a terrible, difficult, horrendous weekend.

I was doing great all week until Friday evening came around. I can’t put my finger on why, but after I got home I just started eating…and didn’t stop until last night. Saturday and Sunday were more emotional reasons but WHY??! Why did I have to eat so much? I’m totally afraid of looking at the scale. Too afraid. Ugh. If I keep up at this then I will just keep gaining weight.

It’s hard to lose weight when you feel like crap all the time. The ending of my friendship with Craig has really taken a toll on me in every way imaginable. I just eat non-stop, I cry, I yell, I curse. It’s not pretty in the slightest. My heart is broken and it hurts with every beat. People hear tell me just to ignore him until he comes to me but they don’t know the truth. They don’t know that that will never happen. He doesn’t care about me anymore in any way possible and it just hurts.

I just need lots of hugs and lots of support from people but I am so afraid of putting myself out there again and getting hurt yet again. This is what he has done to me. This is what I’ve turned into. Someone who is afraid to live, afraid to love, afraid to succeed.

So I don’t know what to do from here. I know that today I am going to run, and possibly even lift. Today I am going to do my best to protect my heart. Today I am going to pretend that I am strong.

Panera = Love!

2011-06-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm. Panera = <3

Not something for everyday as this meal alone was 510 calories, but it's definitely a good treat.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I love bread and especially their French baguettes. Yummmy!

Well I guess it’s time for another post. I’m definitely struggling to make time to post with this whole work&&shoveasmuchstuffintomydayaspossible thing. I’ve gone from not having anything to do to being super busy during the week. Lots of friend time too! That makes me especially happy. My week looked like this after work:

Monday: Workout, Margaritas w/ the roomie, visit friends

Tuesday: Workout, Bible study, lots of geocaching

Wednesday: Shopping with Kate, Bible study, tire adventure!(which lasted until 2am….)*

Thursday: Tire adventure!!!!* And soccer with Kate and her co-workers, movie night with the roomie

*Well let me explain about this little tire adventure thing. I was shopping with Kate when my roommate calls. She’s super stressed because someone slashed her tired. She was going to get someone to change the tire and then she’d call me if she needed a ride. Come time for Bible study, she texts me and asks if I can pick her up because no one will come and change her tire. So after Bible study I ask Craig (ugh!) if he could come and change her tire for her. Being her friend, Craig actually agreed. So we get out there and they didn’t put standard lugnuts on. We end up taking her home and continue to work on it until about 2 in the morning with still no luck. On our way to the car we get stopped by a very drunk, very strange man who won’t let us leave for like 15 minutes. I really thought he was gunna start getting violent with Craig, and Craig kept motioning for me to get in the car. So…yeah… strange night.

The next day I had to take off of work because it took ALL day to get her tire off (once we bought a key for the lugnuts) and then realized her other front tire was about to blow. So… yeah…lots of fun J It really gave us great bonding time though.

So I have been working out every day except for Wednesday, which was hectic. Thursday I was playing soccer with Kate and her co-workers and I pulled my quad. It’s very minor but it’s still a nuisance. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do about it besides RICE, does anyone have any suggestions? I don’t want to spend a long time resting, but I do know that it is important to take care of now or I’ll make it worse.

I haven’t weighed myself in a few days but the last couple days were really good eating wise. Hopefully I will see a loss on Monday. The weekend will probably show to be a challenge because I am not busy with lots of things to do and I can’t go running with this quad L

There’s just a brief update of my life this way. I’ll try to post another soon J

Don't you ever have no motivation?

2011-06-07T13:13:00.001-07:00

Today I weighed in at 161.2. That’s down 1.5 pounds from the last time I “weighed in”, although I’ve weighed myself plenty of times between then and now. My weight has fluctuated between 160 and 163. If I was trying to maintain I’d be doing pretty well right? However that’s not what my intentions are. I have a difficult time still eating out of boredom or emotional turmoil. Big surprise right? I just need to do something about it. It’s summertime for Pete’s sake! Time to be out and running and having fun. Not eating in front of the TV because I’m “bored.”

I’ve recently picked up a new hobby—geocaching. It is soooooo much fun! Now if only I had a GPS! My friend has an iPhone so we’ve been using that, but when I go by myself I’ve just got a map to go off of. We spend hours just walking around trying to find these caches so there’s definitely no harm in it!

Lately I’ve been really slacking on my running. I have no motivation whatsoever and it stinks to high heaven! I even have a 5K this Saturday and I’ve really wanted to get a PR but because I haven’t been consistently training I’m afraid I’ll run my worst. I’m heading out to the gym after work to punch out two miles since it is above 90 today with lots of humidity. I figure that this way I can lift as well. I have not lifted in months, absolutely no motivation. Maybe I’ll have some today. See…my lack of motivation is just at such an all time low. If I want to run a half in September how will I accomplish that without motivation? Without determination?

I’m still set on getting out and breaking a sweat when work is over….. gahhh! It’s still 25 minutes away! I’m really nervous to run on a treadmill though…I hate those things with a passion. They’re boring and monotonous. And they’re consistent. There’s no slowing down or speeding up unless you manually change the settings. Bleh.

I better go for now, but I’ll be back later (hopefully)

Times have changed

2011-05-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

My oh my how life is changing.

My best friend, the closest I've let anyone, my partner-in-crime, has decided that he really doesn't want to be friends anymore. It's heartbreaking. While he blames me for not "getting over" the past, he admits that he can't hang out because of the past. I believe we both need to get over it. It just hurts and sucks that we can't be friends like we have been for the past three years. It feels like my world is falling apart and my heart is breaking open with each beat it makes.

It makes me want to stay curled up in my bed for days on end, crying my eyes out while watching horrible chick flicks and eating pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's.

But I haven't. Instead I've tried to surround myself with people that really do care about me. Instead I've tried walking for hours to clear my head and keep my hand away from the cookie jar.

It's a struggle, not gunna lie. It's hard when I find myself alone and can't help but feel how hollow, how empty, how alone I feel. I'm not devastated because I fell in love with him. I'm devastated because he was my best friend, and because nothing good came out of it (we didn't start dating), he has no desire to continue a friendship. It does make me feel like I'm worthless, it makes me feel like he didn't even care about the friendship, though I know that's not true. I just can't stand to see him because when I do my heart hurts a little more than it did before.

So here I am, struggling not to take that dive into a bunch of unhealthy, unneeded food. I'm trying to be strong, but it's just so hard. I could really use some help...

Unmotivated

2011-05-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

Wk1

Weigh-In:162.7

Total Loss: 2.3

I’m pretty stoked considering I just came back from a wedding this weekend where I ate a lot of sugar cookies and had pop to drink (although it was diet). I started back up with running again on Saturday after having taken a week off. It felt long and difficult, even though it was only 2.5 miles. It got me to thinking though as I was skimming through an issue of Runner’s World. My fastest mile time this year was an 8:30. So why in the heck is my 5k time like 30+? It’s frustrating, putting in miles, going longer distances and seeing no improvement in my endurance speed-speaking.

Well duh, I am not doing and speed training. Thank you Aubree for recommending mile repeats. So with that in mind my workout on Sunday was supposed to consist of 3 x 1 mile repeats @ a 9 min/mile pace. Yeah…only did 2. And there was a lot of recovery time in between them. So obviously my endurance is pretty crappy when it comes to maintaining speed. But this gives me a goal to work towards.

My next 5K will be June 11^th in Battle Creek. I was on the fence on whether or not to run the 5K or 10K but I do want to run a sub-30. Not only that, but I want to knock my old PR out of the park (28:56.) I’m not sure how well it will go but I will be more than happy with a 29:30 or less seeing as how my post-CC 5K record is a 29:42.

It has been hard to be motivated with all this rain we have gotten. It has rained almost every day since the 14^th and it’s very dreary. The temperature has at least warmed up, but not we are faced with thunderstorms. Hopefully by the time I am off of work the weather will be not so bad and I won’t have to run inside.

Aside from working out I am trying to not overeat these days. It’s really easy when I spent 75% of my day at the office. However, when I get home it becomes a whole different story. I think I am still struggling with eating out of pure boredom and emotional stress. I haven’t had an appetite in the past week because I have been sick but I think I did just eat a lot one day because I was stressed. I need to channel my emotions into something less damaging as food.

You would think that the idea of it being summer and wanting to look good in a swimsuit would be enough motivation to be more diligent, but it hasn’t been. I am terrified of the idea of having to buy a swimsuit this year because I know I am going to be super self-conscious about it. Blahhhhhhhhhhh.

Or maybe even that feeling of success when you slip into that pair of jeans that were always just a little too tight when they first get out of the dryer. This is an amazing feeling of accomplishment, even if the scale doesn’t reflect it. So it would make sense to want to get out there and workout more and eat better. Yet I still don’t. Some days it is like pulling teeth to get me out and running. Other days I can’t wait to go. Why is this? Why can’t I just love to run all the time?

Just some food for thought…

I'm on a roll!

2011-05-19T06:07:00.001-07:00

Good morning all!

I say this as I sit at my desk at work hoping and praying that time will fly by today. I just have no desire to be sitting at a desk all day, day after day. I guess it’s not so bad however, due to the fact that it has been cold and rainy since Saturday. That doesn’t leave one with much motivation to get outside and run.

I’ve been looking back at this journey I made over a year ago. I never would have thought I would be where I am in so many different aspects. As I enter my senior year in college I thought I would still have my best friend to give me support when I am weak, that maybe I would have even ended up with him. I also never thought I’d ever weigh anything less than 170 pounds. Somewhere deep down inside of me thought that no matter what, I couldn’t break the 170s.

I still remember the excitement, the joy of seeing a 160-something number appear for the first time. Yes! I did it! If I could do that, anything was possible in my book. Fast forward through the best summer of my life. By the time my birthday rolls around my roommate moves out and Craig starts putting some distance between us. But…..I’m at 155! So I thought things were still pretty good.

And then life got bad.

But here I am now, starting over. Scared? Oh you betcha. But will that deter me? No way. I’m here for round 2. I want to set a goal of 130 pounds. I don’t have a timeline for this one, it’s just what I want to shoot for in the end. For now, now being this summer, I’d like to shoot for a 10 pound loss leaving me at 155. I lost a lot of my weight relatively quickly last summer, but I was up and moving a lot after surgery. I had a lot of time to be outside walking and such. Hopefully I can make the new adjustment to working 10 hours a day and making time to run and workout every day.

How do you find time with all the extra stuff outside of work?

It's Summertime! (Kinda)

2011-05-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well that’s it. School is over and summer has just begun. Except it’s cold. And rainy. Definitely not motivational to be outside on the move.

I am definitely struggling, and have been, since December. I think looking back now that one of my biggest problems was the lack of roommate. When Christina lived with me I always felt like I had to be accountable—like I couldn’t just eat crap all the time. After she moved out I didn’t have that need to be good. Add that up with all the crap I went through with Craig and it just leaves a girl feeling stressed and sad all the time. Basically this guy I have really, really cared about finally made up his mind that he wasn’t interested in me. And because of this he saw no point in being friends like we used to. Every happy memory I have had in the last 3 years has basically had him in it. So…. I’m not going to lie; I’m still recovering from that heartbreak. I really thought this guy was it. It’s hard now, to be friends because we’re not good friends like we used to be…we’re distant and awkward and I hate it. I know it has to be like this though….but it just sucks hardcore.

So because of all this I have pretty much let myself go. I’m still recovering from my second knee surgery…still having pain and difficulty. This surgery was in January btw. :/

So now I’m sitting soundly at 165. It’s hard to believe that this time last year I was ecstatic about reaching this weight. I ate great, I moved, I was super happy. Right now I’m struggling. It seems like I will have a great, spot-on day…and then I’ll get home. Be it Craig, school, work…something upsets me and I just eat.

Super bad, I know. I just miss all the security I had in my life. I had a roommate that held me accountable, a guy that really cared for me, a life I couldn’t complain about. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Sorry!

2011-04-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

I know it's been forever... I can't even remember the last time I wrote here. Things have just been so crazy. I've had surgery, worked three jobs, been going to school full time... you name it I've probably done it.

But I promise to give a full detailed post soon. Maybe even today!!

Oooh Wow

2011-02-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

It's been so long. I mean sooo very long.

I reached my goal weight of 155 by my 21st birthday, but since then I have had my second knee surgery and put back on 5 pounds. My eating style has been sooooo crappy it's ridiculous, and I just can't seem to get back to eating right. A lot of that I have felt was due to the current lack of funds necessary for buying good healthy food. I'm working at three jobs plus going to school full time, which leaves me very little time. In addition, I am paying rent and monthly school payments which leaves almost $0.00 in my account at the end of each month. So when it does come time to go grocery shopping I make due with buying as much as I can with the little cash I have, which doesn't give me the option of eating healthy right now.

A couple friends and myself have decided to run a half marathon in June--it's called the Sunburst 1/2. I'm hoping that by sharing my goal with these people that it will keep me motivated and more driven to do it. So far we have been working out together every other day, just doing some lifting and biking. Right now all I can do is bike and only a few minutes on the elliptical, but hopefully I will regain my running ability soon, as I want to start training right NOW.

I'm thinking that losing more weight would definitely help in my 1/2 marathon quest. At 160 right now I would like to drop at least 10 pounds by race day---that's four months away, so hopefully it will be something I can accomplish. It's more about being fit to run this 1/2 than anything. I would love it if come race day I was 120 lb muscled woman with perfect abs but lets face it--that's not gunna happen. Slow and steady is my preferred method for now.

But I did manage to get some healthy food. :) And my younger brother got me a small blender so I am going to make a smoothie with fresh fruit soon!

What do you do when you fall off the wagon? Or how have you coped with surgery?

Untitled?

2010-08-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I last sat down and made the attempt to update here. Part of the reason comes from being so busy in soccer, for the first two weeks we had practices 3 times a day. Now that school has started we are down to one practice a day. That truthfully doesn't leave much time for anything else. In fact, I have a huge load of laundry waiting to be done that can prove it, and lots of homework. Unfortunately, I have to work today so that will all have to wait until afterwards.

Unfortunately I have seemed to lost focus on my life change. I have eaten like complete crap these past few weeks and the scale can reflect that. I cannot give an excuse as to why I've lost focus, but I know that today is a new day and a perfect day to jump right back on the wagon. I really need to work on my mindless eating and better track my consumption and activity level. I basically didn't do that at all for the past few weeks.

I've gotten compliments though---people actually see that I've lost weight. I guess that's what happens when you don't see people for three months. But I still have more to lose. My goal of 155 is close, so close I can almost grasp it. My deadline is a couple months off though. Still, I would like to reach and surpass my goal before my 21st birthday. It would be great. But all the wishing in the world won't make it come true---it takes determination and hard work. It takes control. I can be in control, I am in control.

OWiW #4

2010-08-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

162. 1stinkin62. I have been eating like crap for the past two weeks and this is exactly what I deserve. I was so excited to be down in the 150's for the first time in my adult life that I lost focus and just indulged as much as I wanted.

I can't do that. I can't indulge and eat whatever I want whenever I want and still expect to lose weight. We all know it doesn't work that way.

It's simply calories in versus calories out. Until I start playing soccer regularly I cannot have a lot of calories. I cannot burn a lot of calories while I sit here with a pulled quad, and wishing for it to heal will not help anything.

As I sit here in my schools engineering lab I am waiting for my last practice of the day. It will run from 3-6 and be pure soccer awesomeness. Unfortunately I will not be able to partake in this awesomeness. Monday I pulled my quad while at practice and it is still recovering. I would absolutely love to be out running though. I miss it so much it's crazy. When all the girls go out for the morning run I'm stuck on a bike. I'd rather be outside, iPod pumping and feet hitting the pavement.

So what do I do? I need to watch what I eat and do whatever physical exercise I can for now. Later on when I am working out and playing soccer every day of the week I will need to eat a little bit more, but for now I need to nip this thing in the bud. I will not gain any more weight. Will not.

Do you ever have problems like this?

OWiW #3

2010-08-04T05:11:00.000-07:00

I am saddened to report that there was no weight loss this week. In fact, there was a gain. 160.9. I knew that there would be with the way I have been eating. I haven't been tracking my food like I should have been and I've definitely binged on sweets. I became over-confident in myself and my weight loss abilities I believe. However, the past is the past and I look forward to moving on and jumping back on the wagon. Today. Now. Not next week, not when soccer starts. I am jumping straight back on the wagon.

I will admit that I have been a little bit stressed lately. I'm working at Scott's all week and then on Tuesday and Thursday I have(had) physical therapy in the morning and after work at Scott's, it's time to go to work at Tech. Tonight after work there is Bible study. I am honestly just looking forward to Friday getting here FAST. I love work, but I really like working in the mornings and I would just feel better feeling like I had time to breath between jobs.

Also, another reason I've gotten to impatient about work is because by the time it is over I do not have a whole lot of time/energy to run. In fact, on Tuesday and Thursday I have/will run between physical therapy and work. I've successfully been able to job a 5K twice this week. The first was in a time of 34:20, the second in 31:17. I am pretty darned pleased with myself. The second one felt so much better than the first, and I could tell I was going faster. My goal is to be able to run at least one more 5K this week, and improve. I would love a sub-30 but I know I have to be realistic. There were probably only 3 times I "officially" ran a sub-30 in high school during cross country, but still, it's a great motivator and I feel like I just might be able to do it.... Also perhaps on Friday I could run a 4 miler, that is a long shot goal but we will see what happens. I would love to though! :) But I also need to get out and run someplace other than around my apartment complex. It is very repetitive and boring here and I'm not sure I could run a 4 miler here without being super duper bored.

Over the course of the past week I have not been counting my calories, shame on me! I've known it too and anything I ate that I couldn't count (darn you homemade pay day bars!) I've stressed about because I had no idea how many calories are in them. So I am also jumping on the bandwagon again and will be back to counting my calories today. I've also set a challenge for myself to eliminate pop this week and not eat after 10. That second one is a little challenging because there have been some instances where I've returned home at almost 10 at night and haven't had dinner yet. However, I do like that challenge.

This past Saturday I went through my closet and tried on pretty much every piece of clothing I possess. And then got rid of some. Anything that didn't fit or I knew I wouldn't wear this year went straight into a trash bag. The result? Two whole trash bags full of clothes waiting to be taken to Goodwill. Mostly shirts but there were some shorts and jeans in there. I also went out in hopes of finding some shorts because I desperately need a pair to fit! and came back with two pair of pants. One a set of comfy jeans size 12, the other some tan, length adjustable pants. Most places I tried 12s on didn't feel so comfortable but I've always loved Maurices jeans so I am not surprised I found some comfortable ones there. I always have problems fitting in the thigh area.

Anyway, it's a brand new day, a brand new start. I am still over halfway done in terms of reaching my goal of 155 by December 21st, hopefully however, I'll need a new goal for that day!

OWiW #2

2010-07-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

Wellllllll..... let's see.....

158.7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am down 2.2 pounds since last Wednesday && I have to tell you I am so very very happy about this. The 150's. The 1frigginelusive50's. I am in such a state of shock that I have actually broken through the 160's. I hone stly cannot remember when I weighed 158 pounds in my lifetime. I really can't. But I'm greatful. That means I am 3.7 pounds away from my 21st Birthday goal.

This week hasn't been easy though. There are a couple days that I just wanted to give up and binge. In fact, two days ago I'm pretty sure I ate wayyy too much. However, the next day I got right back in the saddle and kept going. I know I'm not going to be perfect, I know there will be times when I stumble and when I fall. I'm not going to know when or where, but I do know that it'll be okay. I will get to my goal, no matter how long it takes.

I think part of my problem when I would try to diet before was that I would want to see big results right away and all the time. Now I am not dieting. I am eating better, eating healthier. I am controlling my portions(for the most part), and budgeting. There's no one telling me I can't have this or that. Sure, there are some things I haven't eaten in a long time because I want to use my calories on something filling, but I am definitely known to indulge in some ice cream on more than one occasion (just ask that carton I finished off last night!). Now I can cook for myself, I can be as independent as I want. Now I am not subjected to a whole bunch of processed bad food, or crappy school food. I can make these killer chicken sandwiches, a great salad, even some kick-butt dessert. It has made all the difference in the world moving into my own apartment. So so so much. I don't think I would have been as successful as I am now if I continued to live in the dorms and eat the school food.

I have jogged a couple times, only as much as my knee would allow though. Yesterday I ran a mile in the morning with a time of 9:20, and after work that evening I ran another mile at 8:50. I think overall that was a good successful day. I am looking forward to the day I can run 2 miles in under 20 minutes, and 3.1 in under 30. Ooh how I have missed running so much. I know I have to take it easy though and not overdo it or I'll end up taking longer to recover. I really cannot wait to run... in some ways I think this injury/surgery has helped fuel my love for running and maybe even improved the way I train. I guess time will tell though. I am however, looking forward to running the thanksgiving 4-miler here in the 'Fort.

Well now I just need to find my motivation to go and run in this despicable weather. I was thinking of perhaps waiting until it rained and the rain had a chance to cool this place down but I don't know if I'll get that chance tonight. Hmm...choices choices.

Ahhh.. life is great sometimes!

2010-07-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been a few days guys. I've been pretty busy in the lab and with my doctors appointment and such. I don't think there has been too much going on to report. I've eaten really well over the past week and I can only hope that I keep on chugging. Actually, it's kind of funny. The other night I came back after hanging out with some friends and I was pretty hungry. So I went straight to the freezer and pulled out a Boca burger. I absolutely love these things! They are nice and portion controlled and I think they taste great! Anyway my roommates partner said something about how they didn't leave any of last nights dinner for me because they figured it wasn't a food I could have on my diet. I sorta stopped in my tracks. I wanted to tell them both that I wasn't on a diet. I changed my lifestyle. I changed that way I treated my body. I respect myself more than to eat junk 24/7. But you know what? I just let it go. I didn't correct them, I didn't do anything. Why? Well it won't matter with them either way. It goes in one ear and out the other. We eat different things and that's okay. I have my own goals here. Number one is to be healthier.

I feel so much better these days. It's days like this that I look back at my old self and can't help but be disgusted with myself. I can remember going through drive-thru's like crazy. Everytime I went home freshman year (which was almost every weekend) I would stop at Taco Bell or McDonalds along the way. Looking back now I can't believe I shoved that many calories in my face in one sitting. No wonder I was well on my way to 200 pounds (Okay, I know I still had 20 pounds to go but I'm sure I'd be there by now if I kept at it). Instead I'm getting closer and closer to my first goal of 155 pounds.

There are actually a lot of days that I'm trying to at least reach 1,000 calories. It's crazy to think that I'm at that point, but I eat when I'm hungry and not too many other times. A nice boca burger with the light buns and some pickles is roughly 200 calories and that fills me up.

So last night after work Craig and I went to surprise our friend Bob. He works at JC Penny's and we were going to try to page him to some random department but couldn't find a phone to page him. It was pretty fun just acting like kids, hiding in the clothes and spying on Bob. Afterwards we walking into the mall to find another friend but the mall had already closed. As we were standing in front of the fountain Craig turned to me and awkwardly asked if I'd be interested in going to see Inception with him some time. Of course I said yes :) After bumming around and having a blood pressure race we decided to check out the times for Inception at the nearest theater. The next show was playing at 10:30 and it was about 9:45 so we headed over to walmart because he was "hungry" by hungry I mean he wanted to find some candy to sneak into the theater in my tiny purse. He got a huge bag of chocolate covered nuts and I got a small bag of chocolate covered raisins (don't worry, I only had a few before they started melting!!). He payed for them as well. I hate to admit it, but it's really nice to have such a great gentleman as a friend. He always holds the door open for me whether its walking into a store or to get into his car, he gives me cute gifts from time to time, and is just really great. It feels like something a boyfriend might do. Now if only he would be my boyfriend!

I really enjoy this guy if you can't tell. Honestly it feels like God has brought him into my life because he is my better half, the man that I could look forward to growing old with, the man who I could depend on to always push me to further to my relationship with God. I'm not saying it as a definite because heck, we aren't dating or any such thing, but it feels like there is some hope there. I just love being with him.

Anywho, Inception was a good movie, a real mind bender actually. But yeah, I'd check it out if I were you! But I have to get ready to go to work because that's where I practically live these days!

First Official Weekly Weigh-In

2010-07-21T05:34:00.001-07:00

Drum roll please....*drum roll*

160.9! That is down two pounds from last Wednesday!! I was actually hoping to beat that because yesterday I weighed myself and I was something like 160.6 or something but I did make some poor choices last night due to the fact that I had calories left and I was starving (even though I had eaten dinner an hour previous to this). I am still ecstatic however to see a 2 pound loss. Now it's time to get down to butt kicking business. I have been floating between 160-163 for over a month now and I WILL break this cycle this week! I will make it into the 150's even if it it just 159.9. Gahhhhh I'm so excited! Of course this will take a week of good choices and movement. I can't just sit here like a bump on a log and expect to lose this weight. Still, I am excited to see what the future holds.

Yesterday I went out and jogged. Yes, jogged. Don't tell my physical therapist this though because I haven't gotten an official okay from the doctor just yet. It didn't hurt. What? I said it didn't hurt! For once in my life I ran and it didn't hurt my knee. I can't remember if I've ever ran without pain but this sure felt good. I felt like I could do more, but I didn't want to push it. I did jog about a mile or so.When I am all healed and given the okay I will be running alll day long. Okay, maybe not all day, but I will be doing a lot of running. In fact I know it is going to take some time to get back into the cutting and other necessities needed for soccer so when the rest of the girls are doing ball work I will be running! At least for one practice that is.

I do need to start weight training but the fact of the matter is I don't have the drive for it right now. During school last year I would love to lift. I loved to lift in high school too. Especially high school. I loved knowing I was getting stronger and improving my discus and shot put throws. Here I lack the motivation. I would love to have defined arms like Craig has (**swoons**) but I just lack the motivation. What can I do to become motivated to lift on a regular basis? I would love to have someone to workout with but I don't. My roommate won't workout, she's not interested in that stuff. I would ask Craig except for the fact that the poor guy barely has time to sleep at night because he's so busy all day. I guess it's just something I need to do myself.

How do you motivate yourself?

Saturday Recap

2010-07-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

Let's seeeeeeee.....

Saturday was great! My dad came to town for the first time since freshman year of college (which was two years ago). He came down because there was a really nice mustang(the car!) show at Ivy Tech. So I worked 8-12 and as soon as the clock hit 12 I was outta there! I met my dad at my apartment and gave him the official tour while we waited for Craig to show up.

Once Craig arrived we piled into my dad's mustang and headed to the show. Boy was it amazing! I've never seen so many pretty mustangs. Craig's dad's car looked absolutely amazing as it's usual self. I'm pretty sure we spent 3 hours just looking at all of the cars. My dad got to meet both of Craig's parents. John(Craig's dad) and my dad talked cars for a while and then Laura (Craig's mom) showed him a couple really nice cars while John went to judge.

Following the ending of the car show dad, Craig, and I went to a place called Fresh Market. Oooh man was it awesome! I can't wait to go back actually, I just don't have a lot of money right now and I've got bills to pay (darn you costly electric!). Anyway, we spent probably 1.5 hours in the store just putzing around. Craig and I were looking all all of these crazy items while my dad was looking for some serious stuff.

Afterwards we were pretty hungry (I'm not sure whether Craig was but I definitely was!) so where did we go? Panera! When it was decided that we would go there I got a little nervous about over-indulging on calories and not knowing how much was in what. I hadn't eaten much that day (two cookies and some pickle slices) but I didn't want to go overboard and waste all my calories either. Luckily they had the calories posted for some of their menu. I actually opted for the 1/2 soup 1/2 sandwich for a total of roughly 550 calories of pure awesomeness! I think I am in love with Panera. I even gave Craig my extra at the end (especially seeing as how he only had a small soup bowl! This kid doesn't eat!!!) So I think I did pretty well.

Following our meal we piled up in the car and drove to Craig's house. John offered to take dad for a spin in his mustang! Can you say whoa? So that was good, I got a chance to visit with Laura a little bit. I have to say I absolutely love Craig's parents! They are such great and amazing people! And my dad loves them too! :D

Afterwards my dad dropped us off at my apartment and hit the road back to Michigan. It sucked that he had to go but it was great to have him in town for a few hours. After that Craig and I killed time by taking a couple walks. I love me some good walking action!! Once 9 hit we headed out downtown to catch the fireworks. The traffic was horrendous but luckily we were able to find a parking spot and get a seat before the show started. Actually on our way to find a seat we ran into some old friends of Craig's. Let me tell you now that this is nothing new. Anytime we go somewhere we are running into old friends. Anyway, he was talking to these guys about the fireworks and one of them looks at me and asks "Is this the lady friend?" He says yes and introduces me. I was ecstatic except for the fact I don't think he understands what they meant by lady friend.

We sit down just as the fireworks start. Holy cow. Can you say, Best.Ever? They were the greatest 20 minutes of fireworks I've ever seen in my life. They did so many great little tricks and were timed just right. Unfortunately they were only 20 minutes. After the show ended everyone started leaving. We didn't. Instead Craig and I say there staring at the sky. Eventually the parking lot was empty and we were laying on the ground, staring at the stars. It was so comfortable, so wonderful, so...natural. We talked hypothetical questions and just relaxed. In fact I was the one who suggested we leave after seeing that it was past midnight at that point. I knew he had to be at work at 8am the next morning and wanted him to get some sleep. I didn't want it to end though.

Craig has to be the greatest gift God has placed in my life. He used Craig to bring me to Him. He still uses Craig to strengthen my walk with Him. He's made Craig my very best friend and the only person who I actually have feelings for. I have such strong feelings for this man that sometimes I get impatient because I'd like for him to wake up and just want to be with me. I know though that it doesn't work that way. God puts us where He wants us, when He wants us there. I am prepared to wait, my heart is still the same. It just feels right with him.

Anyway, I go into work the next day (Craig and I work at the same grocery store), and I had given him my locker number and combination so he could help himself to any snacks during his break time. What's he do? Buys me trail mix after I had admitted to him the day before that I'd never tried it. Very cute. After issuing him his challenge for the week (as is our tradition) he calls me later after we had left Bible study to issue me mine. What's my challenge you ask? Well funny thing.... it seems that for the entire week I have to accept any gift/compliment/etc, given to me. Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't take any of that very well. I feel very uncomfortable when people spend money on me and feel like I don't deserve compliments if ever I get one. Ooh is he good. What a difficult challenge. I wonder what he has up his sleeve then?

But that is all for now. Tomorrow is my weigh-in! Last Wednesday I was at 163.1, we'll see where I am this week...

Uhh....hey there?

2010-07-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I know. It's been forever since I was on here last. Truthfully I've tried to update all my non-existent followers but when it came to writing everything out I just couldn't find the words to say.

I've decided to do official weekly weigh-ins every Wednesday. Wednesday seems to be the best day for me and I will be far more likely to sit down and update in the middle of the week rather than at the beginning/end. I still do weigh myself every day (which probably isn't the best idea) but nothing officially counts except for Wednesdays.

Last week I had a stellar week in terms of getting out and moving. I did a 6 mile walk 3 times last week and they all felt great! The last one of the week I was even able to get a little bit of jogging in (though I'm sure my physical therapist would frown upon that one). I was sore come the end of the week but boy was it worth it. I don't think I was too bad in terms of eating last week. I know there was no eating out, which I never do anyway these days....

This week was all about the salads! I have been having a great hankering for salads lately but never buy anything because my roommate won't eat salads (she opts for the pizza salad ;) ) anywho.....Monday I had to work for a company in the lab so when I had time to grab a lunch I made the executive choice to go to McDonald----whoa! I haven't eaten there in so long that I can't even remember when! No, I didn't gorge myself in a triple layer Big Mac. Instead I order a something-bacon salad with balsamic vinegarette. It was absolutely amazing!! And instead of finishing off all the cheese and bacon in the bottom of the salad I didn't! So I think I did pretty well there.

A week full of alright eating except for an occasion where I ate cookie dough, yes cookie dough! I knowwwwwww. I really am such an emotional eater. But that is something I've realized and want to start working on. Now, not later, not tomorrow, now.

I've been clocking in at 163-ish over the past month and it's driving me nuts! I haven't been this 'light' since middle school but I am so close to the 150s that I am just clawing my way when I can. Also, I would think that going from 172 to 163 would at least give me some more room in my size 12 shorts---nope. It's like I haven't lost anything! It's very frustrating as well because I am in need of new shorts but I don't want to buy a comfy pair of 14s to grow out of them in a month or two. Has anyone had this problem? It seems in all the blogs that I've read that people are noticing a difference in the way their clothes fit, instead I see the difference on the scale but not so much in the clothes....hmmm....

Also I had an amazing day yesterday! My dad came to town and him, Craig, and I spent the day together. The night ended with Craig and I laying under the stars for almost 2 hours! But that will have to wait for another chance to blog---I am off to work!!! :)

State of Awe

2010-07-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

I have to say yesterday just wasn't my day.

After waking up I went to my physical therapists where I got my butt kicked (in a good way). I was allowed to jog for two minutes. That was so exciting for me, I don't think I was able to wipe off the stupid grin.

But after words I came home and watched Federer lose(!!!). Then my roommate and I went for a nice 3.5 mile walk. We even found an amazing cross country trail that I can't wait to use sometime. :)

Following this we went grocery shopping. I wasn't sure how this would work out because we've always bought groceries on our own and this time we split the bill. We stuck pretty much to the list we made so that was good. Even better, we spent a total of $50.04. Not so bad for all the stuff we bought.

Afterwards we came back to the apartment. I found myself so bored that I decided to make some cookies. This is where it gets interesting. Who doesn't love to taste cookie dough? If you don't then somethings wrong with you! ;) But I knew right away I was in trouble. I think I ate too much cookie dough. I felt so guilty it was ridiculous. So after the cookies were all baked I went out for a measly 1.5 mile walk. My stomach KILLED, in addition to that guilty feeling.

I got my roommate out of bed ( because she likes to take naps) and we threw around a softball for a bit. That was very much fun, I wish I had time to do that more often. Then I made us venison burgers on a slimwich bun with some cut up and grilled potatoes.

After this I went to visit my friend Jayla. She wanted to walk to Dairy Queen (gulp). This left me feeling even worse. But when we got there I saw they had these light smoothies that were 250 calories for like 20 oz. or so. I actually like those, and didn't finish mine (another act of will) It was good to be able to sit and talk with her. It's definitely been too long.

Afterwards I had Bible study. The study itself was alright. However it was what happened afterwards that just sucked. I waited around to talk to Craig about our weekend plans. I was starting to get frustrated because he was just downstairs chatting it up with people and it was getting late. I was also starting to really feel the soreness in my knee. No one talks to me at all, except Bob. I just feel like the biggest loser in the whole house. So when he comes waltzing up at 11 ( which is the time we usually leave) and is like 'Hey stranger.' I am already on the verge of tears.
Craig: Hey Stranger.
Me: Hi. *picks up my things and walks to the door quickly*
Craig: *Follows* Do you wanna talk about Saturday?
Me: *Already out the door, I just look at him* Forget about it. I can see you're busy. *Leaves*

I was so upset with him. He knew we needed to talk. Tonight of all nights he is downstairs chatting it up. I can't wait around on him forever. So I get in the car and part of me is hoping that he comes out to my car but of course he doesn't. I go home and I'm just in tears. My heart hurts. I'm crying, texting my friend Ankit, who has been telling me to just forget about Craig, to stop giving him so much attention. Then Craig calls.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset. He apologizes, but in one of those "I don't know why I have to say sorry" kind of tones. Then I cave in and apologize and make up some stupid excuse of why I was so mean. We decide that maybe we'll talk tomorrow (which is today) and that's it. I continue to cry, and cry.

12:30 am rolls around and there's a knock at my door. Ankit's there with a box of Klondike bars and a hug. He is such a great pal.

So now here I am, the next morning. I'm unsure of what to do but I know Craig and I need to talk. I just don't know what's going to happen.

But on the plus side, I actually lost weight yesterday! A whopping 1.5 pounds! :) That was good.

Close Call!

2010-06-29T21:21:00.001-07:00

So I thought I would recap the day before I head off to bed. I have to be at the physical therapists at 9am!

I've been doing pretty well at getting up before my alarm (which is usually set for 8:45 am) Today was no exception. So I got up and while I had my two bowls(!!!) of cereal, I watched the Wimbledon. I hope someday that I can play tennis with someone who's played it in high school/college/little tourneys.
I got up and took a 2.5 mile walk.
Came back, packed and left for the gym. I had the intentions of lifting but I did get on the elliptical for 15 minutes! It felt pretty good and while I thought about going for longer I decided against it just so my knee wouldn't collapse on me later on.
I ran to Subway and got a footlong Veggie Delight on wheat. I realize now that I didn't need a whole footlong, 6 inches would have sufficed.
I went to the lab and worked for 5 hours and was able to see Craig for the last half an hour. :) I love spending time with him!
Then I came home, got ready, and left for Christina's soccer game. I will admit that I had a huge craving for a Reese's Blizzard. I counted up my calories, and keeping in mind dinner was still to come, I got a small (which is nothing compared to the large I used to get) This still made me feel bad though, it had a whopping 560 calories! So I didn't eat all of it! This was a big step in self-discipline for me.
After Christina's game we came home and I had left venison out to thaw in order to make venison burgers, but the venison was still rock solid! So.... we had Digorno's frozen pizza. While it was cooking I was in a panic, thinking about my weak ability for self control. However, I only had two pieces! Which again, is a big difference to my half a pizza former self.
I did end up having a bag of 100 calorie microwave Kettle Corn which was absolutely amazing! Definitely sweet enough for me, and much more filling than some candy bar!

So it was a day of trials and temptations. I feel that I did pretty well today and demonstrated that I can have self-control when it comes to food. I still need to work on it though, because it was very difficult for me to stop.

How do you exercise self-control?

Losin' Weight!

2010-06-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a few days since my last update, but it has been so dang difficult to just sit down and take time to write--if I know what I'm going to write. Not much has changed since the last time I update, I had fallen off 'the wagon' but climbed right back on. i'm down to 164.2 right now. Ahhhhh 4.5 pounds away from being below 160! It's been nagging at me for a month now!! I can't imagine the last time I was under 160--- it was sometime in middle school though, like 5th-6th grade, MAYBE.
I never thought I could make it to the 150's, I thought that my life would forever be spent in the 170-180s. I never thought that I could take control of my life and do this. I thought that without surgery/diet pills/some new-fad diet, losing weight was impossible. Boy was I wrong. That is until the day I came across an article about a man who had lost 150 pounds in 16 months. Reading Tyler's blog gave me motivation, it gave me hope that this was possible. Through his forums I came across Tara's blog and she continues to motivate me each day as well. It's just so amazing to see people take control of their life and change for the better.

So here I am, 4.5 pounds away to being the lightest I've been in 10+ years. I haven't even started running yet. Right now it's proven to be so very difficult, recovering and being limited on the activities I can do. I've been walking 3+ miles a day so far but I just got cleared to swim and try the elliptical. My physical therapist said that we would try jogging this week! This makes me excited beyond belief. I can't wait to get back to running and playing tennis. Of course soccer will be fun as well, but I've always had a love for running, and recently decided that I really enjoy playing tennis, although I am not good :) .

I have been weighing myself each day just to see how I'm progressing. Do you think this is a good idea? Or what do you do in terms of weigh-ins?

Good luck on your journeys!!

Surgery Exercise

2010-06-24T09:16:00.001-07:00

Even though I promised myself yesterday that I would blog I guess I found excuses not to. It was my first day off at one job in 5 days but I decided to head over to Tech and work there for the day.

I woke up early to watch the Wimbledon. I really wanted to watch Roddick kick some butt, but silly me didn't know how to tell time difference so I woke up an hour to early. Just as the thought of climbing back into my warm cozy bed started to tempt me I stamped it out of my mind. Instead I would go for a walk. I laced up my shoes and grabbed my nike iPod. 3 miles, 3 nice enjoyable miles.

After that I hurried back to get ready for my physical therapy. That proved to be challenging this week. We've started working on one legged exercises, but I seem to be steadily improving. Hopefully that means that I will be recovered in under 6 months so I can start running again!!! It's so hard to be so patient when there's such beautiful weather out there. I really want to be out playing tennis as well, although that may have something to do with the Wimbledon being on. :) How do you guys deal with recoveries?

When I came home Roddick was already into the third set so I watched him until the match was over and went to work. There's not too much I can say about that job yet, I just work whenever I want, however long I want. It gets kinda boring being all by myself but I still like that at the same time. I worked for a few hours, streamed the Federer match, and exchanged a few quick emails with Craig.

When I came home I decided that I would do some lifting so I busted out the Power Sculpt BL DVD. While I couldn't do all of the exercises, I still felt I got a good workout in. While my roommate was still at work I decided to take another walk. :) It was another 3 glorious miles! I like the scenery and the feel of being outside. Anyway, I was on my last half of my third loop around the complex when Craig called. He was going to take a shower and then come on over for the Bible study at our apartment. And he would pick up pizza. Okay hold on! I know you're thinking "Pizza? Really? That's not good for you! You're not going to lose any weight at all." Well let's think about it in a calorie sense. I walked 6 miles. My calories burned were over 500 calories, plus my lifting workout, and physical therapy. I did get panicky for a moment but at the same time I knew I had eaten well enough through the entire day and I was going to use moderation.

So when everyone had made it over we enjoyed our pizza and went over chapter 2 in Ephesians. I had two slices of pizza where at any give time I would always have more. Eating slowly helped me feel fuller, faster. The Bible study wasn't quite good this week. It just felt like no one wanted to say anything or everyones minds were somewhere else. Just as we were ending a pretty decent thunderstorm rolled in and these cityslickers got worried a tornado would come and suck us up. Bob left and Christina went to her room to call her friend, which left Craig and I.

I would have expected him to take off right at 10:30 but he didn't. Instead he hung around and we talked until midnight! :) I always love having him over.

But that was my day yesterday, full of lots of moving and good choices.

How was yours?

A long-awaited update

2010-06-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

I really should start doing something about this.

Sorry it's been forever and half-- I guess I just got caught up in life that I haven't really made the time to update. But now is as good of time to start as any.

I got a job working at a grocery store so I've been working there a lot. In addition, I'm also a lab tech at my university so I've spent extra time there as well. I'm also into week three of my physical therapy so that's keeping my busy and kicking my butt.

I'm at 166 pounds right now. It's very frustrating because I've been doing so well, averaging 164 pounds in the past two weeks. I want so bad to be out of the 160's that it's making me very anxious. As you know from my last post, I've spent a lot of my teen years in the 170's-180's. I should be ecstatic over the fact that I'm in the 160's, but I have that determination, that fire to live a better life and be a better person. I've spent my life being the overweight girl. It made life so difficult, and still does, I still don't like to look in a mirror usually because I am still not happy with what I see.

I've done pretty well with eating better, and watching what I put in my mouth. Until dinner rolls around. I don't know why, maybe it's the fact I'm exhausted and hungry, maybe it's just the old habits of my childhood, but either way I struggle at night. Just snacking and eating more than I should. It's ridiculous actually, how weak I am at night. I can't keep any sweets or popcorn or anything in the house because I just end up munching on it late at night. And that is the reason I haven't done well this week.

I've been eating so much better that my face had actually cleared up completely. I mean I no pimples at all. As soon as I starting slipping up however, my face started breaking out. I think it's just another thing to show me that eating bad stuff is bad for me.

And I've really been anxious lately. I want to run sooooooooo incredibly bad. Running was my thing in high school. I loved it. One time during summer practices for cross country I even ran 6 miles with some of the good runners. First off, I'd never ran that much at once before, second-- I kept up with someone. I can't describe that feeling. It was as great as my first sub-30 5k. I love running 5k's and have always wanted to run a marathon in South Bend, IN. But my knees have hurt me for so long and I just needed to get at least one fixed. Sure I love playing soccer, and I'm here on a scholarship, but my love is running.

I have a very very good friend that I met my freshman year of college and he plays on the tennis team at our university. His love for tennis is so obvious, it's right there for everyone to see. He's committed and passionate about it. Whenever he goes off for a weekend tennis tournament I'm left feeling A) very happy and excited for him, and B) jealous. I remember what it was like to get up at 6am to drive for a 5k. I remember my heart being so pumped up to race, even though I wasn't going to go and run a 24 minute 5k. I still loved it, and watching him keep his love for tennis going is so inspiring.

So for now I'm left to walk, or bike for a little bit. My recovery time is set for 6 months. 6 long stinkin months. My summer is wasting away and I want so badly to be out on those roads. That's part of what is making my weight loss so hard--I have to lose anything by my eating pretty much.

So as you can see I'm frustrated and just looking for some support somewhere. Does anyone have any advice?

My Start

2010-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

So here goes nothing. A change. A permanent one. Before I talk about my goals I want to give you some background about myself:

I'm 20 years young and a soon-to-be college Junior. I play soccer at my college as a stopper; however that is not why I am here. I'm 5'4" and currently weigh 171 pounds. I have spent my entire life being overweight and depressed. I'm one of those girls that has been picked on since I was just a toddler by others kids because of my weight and how I looked. I have never known what its like to be at a healthy weight.

Last year I believe I reached my 'tipping point' as I've heard it called. It started when I moved to college during our soccer pre-season. I lost my cousin in a car accident which left a huge hole in my already-broken heart. That, in addition to a case of mono that left me unable to play, I didn't even get to practice much of my freshman soccer season. I also was very depressed and didn't really have friends (in a side note I'm studying to be a biomedical engineer so my classes are very difficult) and I spent a lot of time studying. Needless to say I did not have good eating habits. I ate a lot. A lot of bad food.

I can recall coming home over a break and stepping on the scale. What I saw shocked me beyond anything I could imagine. 188 pounds. I know I had been heavier when I was in middle school before we had a scale but this was the first time I saw a number that large. But being in my rut of depression I still didn't really do anything about it. I figured no one really cared and I would never meet a guy worth looking decent for anyway.I also have a problem with overeating.

This changed. I met some great people including a guy who is my very best friend who brought me to Christ. I've never been happier and never been more motivated. I dropped to 175 by last August and struggled between that and 180 in the months following my season. In March my roommate and I made a challenge to lose 10 pounds. I have been floating between 165-170 since. Butttttt.... I just had surgery and now can barely walk, let alone run. This kills me because I love to be out and running or playing tennis.

But now I have set a goal. I want to weigh 155 pounds by my 21st birthday (December 21) but I don't have the strength to go it alone. Especially with being temporarily handicapped.